blessed.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
[ Jeremiah 29:11 ]

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Monday, September 18, 2006

12:17 am

I reached breaking point and broke down just now.

Imagine this: Me laughing and crying at the same time. Laughing at my stubbornness and stupidity, while crying because of the "pain" and "suffering" from being entangled in the vines of integration, choking me, sucking the life and vigour out of me, mocking me. Struggling to break free, on my own. However, the more I try, the worse it seems to get. The vines tighten their grip, choking and suffocating me.
It was totally horrible. Mixed feelings of anger, pain, hurt, regret, and accusations.

It was a totally unpleasant sight. Even I did not dare to look at myself in the mirror. I didn't want to see the mess I showed to my loved ones. How selfish.

Anyway, in tears, I went to the bathroom to shower. Those horrible horrendous feelings were still pulling me apart. I prayed for God to keep my sanity. I was like crying n crying out to God to take all the pain and hurt and anger away. I was trying to force/psyche myself into "changing" my attitude. It didn't seem to help... because I seemed to be clinging onto those feelings, doing things my own way again.
Then what EAT sms-ed to me came to mind... God says, "Child, I can't take it away if you don't let go."
Initially, there was some inertia. Still holding on to those feelings because I felt that I deserved to feel that way. After going through all those, don't I have the right to feel angry, disappointed, hurt?

Songs came to my mind...

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
when the darkness closes in, Lord
still I will say
Blessed be Your name

so I decided that I should just focus on the blessings God has given to me.
I started a stream of praise and thanksgiving in my heart unto the Lord. The stream turned into a river. As I praised and thanked Him, those negative emotions seemed to fade. Like how darkness slips away in the light, the light of God's majesty and the greatness of the things He has done in my life. God knows I tried, I really did.
Soon enough, all I felt was peace. Complete, total peace that I didn't think was even possible earlier on. Peace that no one would have imagined me having after seeing me break down.

It was exactly what Phil 4:6-7 described.

6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (NIV, emphasis mine)

So so so true.

God is so awesome. so awesome that what i put down here in words cannot fully describe.
Amen.

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